


it's ok to cry

by illrunwithyou



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxious Thoughts, Depressing Thoughts, Fluff at the beginning, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, angst towards the end, im sorry, insecure minho, please dont read if you are sensitive to these topics, poor minho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:52:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19254340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illrunwithyou/pseuds/illrunwithyou
Summary: Minho doesn't cry.Until he does.Or my take on Minho's elimination.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if you are sensitive to anxious thoughts!
> 
> This is my first fanfic lol and it's unedited because the elimination was hard to watch twice. I love my boys so much and I'm so excited for Yellow Wood!!
> 
> Also, the part where it's alternating between italics and bold: the italics are the lyrics of the song while the bold is Minho's thoughts. I used the lyrics from the Felix-Changbin-Minho version so it might be a little weird.

Minho doesn’t cry. For as long as he could remember. He was the emotionless one in his family. When everyone was pouring their griefs over the passing of his grandfather, he had stood in a corner with a heavy heart but dry eyes. When he fell from a tree at 6 years old and broke his ankle, he didn’t even sniffle as his older cousins carried him home. When the stress of being unable to keep up with his dance crew before the competition got to him, he only hardened his resolve and continued dancing until the light of the next day.

Minho didn’t cry, it just wasn’t his go-to emotional response to hardships. 

Even when he was accepted into JYP as a trainee after numerous years of dancing for BTS, only a smile graced his face, unlike the tears falling down the faces of the other participants who also got accepted. 

Right after Minho had packed his stuff from his childhood home, bid goodbye to his family members, and arrived at the JYP headquarters, a swarm of trainees surrounded him. Names numerous to the point they were swelling inside his head. Hands patting him on the back and voices congratulating him. It took JYP himself to break apart the cluster of trainees. Breathing a sigh of relief, Minho lugged his suitcase into the elevator and pressed the number of his floor. 

That was where he met Jisung. A beautiful, long faced boy with adorable crooked teeth, wide eyes, and a tapered nose. They stared at each other for a few moments before awkwardly greeting each other, bowing their heads, and filing into the tiny elevator. 

“Hi, my name is Han Jisung” 

“Lee Minho” 

They shook hands. The silence ensued.

“So.....first day here? I heard the commotion in the lobby.”

“Yeah”

“I’ve been here for 2 years already, but call me up if you need me, room 245”

The elevator dinged and Jisung walked out, not forgetting to bow his head one last time. Minho breathed a sigh of relief as the doors slid shut, glad the awkward encounter was over. 

As the elevator dinged to signal reaching Minho’s floor, he dragged his luggage to room 313, knocking on the door before using his card to open it. Inside, there was a set of bunk beds, the bottom one already messy with clothes. He assumed the top bunk was his. Sighing, Minho began unpacking. 

Just as Minho sat down on the top bunk, the shower turned off. He hadn’t even noticed the shower was running. The door clicked open and a shy boy tentatively walked out, wrapped in a towel dress with dripping brown hair. 

“Hi, I’m Kim Seungmin, your roommate”

“Lee Minho”

“Well, Lee Minho, welcome, we will become best friends” 

Seungmin flashed a smile that seemed to brighten up the dark room. 

Maybe, this won’t be so bad.

Minho returned the smile.  
_______________

_Turn, look, slide, flick, turn, look, slide, flick, turn, look, slide, flick._

Minho pushed back his sweaty bangs as the dance instructor dismissed his group. 

“Minho” the dance instructor called. 

“Yes sir?”

“You need to work on your fluidity if you ever want to have a chance at debuting” 

“Yes sir” 

“Now go to sleep, it’s late and we have a big day tomorrow”

“Sir, I was thinking of practicing a bit more” 

“Suit yourself, just remember to eat something before tomorrow” 

With that, the instructor patted Minho on the back and left. 

_Turn, look, slide, flick, turn, look, slide, flick, turn, look, slide, flick._

11 PM turned into 2 AM which turned into 5 AM which turned into 7 AM. 

Minho’s shirt got progressively more sweaty and more sticky, as his frustration built up as the hours passed. 

He was just taking a break as the door cracked open, revealing an energized Jisung heading to the producing studio connected to the dance studio. 

“Oh, Hyung, I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Mhmmm” 

Upon closer inspection, it was evident that Minho was not fully paying attention. He hadn’t even identified who had come in, just that someone did, because his eyes were blurry from the sweat that pooled into his eyes and his mind was fuzzy from thinking about his dance moves. His entire body ached painfully with exhaustion and hunger as he hadn’t eaten since the night before. Jisung carefully approached Minho, taking in his appearance. He put his hands on Minho’s neck and tilted his head up to inspect his face. Minho’s lids were dropping with exhaustion, and his lips were trembling with overexertion. Despite the sting of sweat in his eyes and the excruciating agony that moving his body put him in, his eyes were clear of tears, tears of pain, of sadness, of exhaustion. 

“Hyung, you can’t even keep yourself awake, what are you doing here!”

“Mhmmm”

Jisung dragged Minho up and slung Minho’s arm over his shoulder, gripping Minho’s waist with his other arm. 

Jisung helped Minho into his dorm, only to find Seungmin sitting nervously on the bottom bunk, fiddling with his fingers. As soon as Seungmin spotted the pair, he immediately rushed over to help Jisung put Minho down onto Seungmin’s bed. Not even bothered with the fact that Minho was only half conscious, he nearly screamed his worries. 

“Minho Hyung, where were you the whole night?! I kept my phone on the entire night just so you would call or text me but not a single message came! Chan Hyung was asking for you because he wanted to talk to us before tomorrow! Do you know how worried I’ve been?! And we aren’t allowed to leave our dorms after midnight so I couldn’t even go and find you!”

Minho smiled sheepishly as Seungmin had finished his rant, sitting up to face the two boys. 

“Sorry, I lost track of time”

Indignantly, Seungmin continued

“LOST TRACK OF TIME?! YOU ARE NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT EVEN THREE, BUT EIGHT HOURS LATE! Gosh I have so much more to say but Chan Hyung want us at a conference room right now and you are all sweaty and gross. Go wash up hyung!” 

Jisung just watched from the sidelines, amused but also worried for Minho. Minho dragged himself from the bed to his drawer, picking out a simple T-shirt and ripped jeans before heading to the shower. 

As Minho groggily got out of the shower after 5 min, Jisung and Seungmin pushed him out the door, all the way to the conference room. 

Entering the conference room (and Jisung and Seungmin apologizing for their tardiness on Minho’s behalf), they find Bangchan already seated at a long conference table with 5 other boys, all varying in talents. 

Bangchan smiled reassuringly before calling all 8 boys to attention. 

“I’ve gathered us all here today because I have an important announcement to make. I would like us to debut together. I know that you don’t all know each other personally or have even talked to each other, I want us to come together as a team.”

Confused murmurs erupt around the room. 

“Now, now, let’s start from the beginning. JYP wants a survival show like the one YG had for iKON and WINNER or as he did for TWICE, He wanted me to pick my team, with a maximum of 9 people and a minimum of 5. I thought why not max out the spots, so I chose my closest friends and their closest friends. Woojin, you would be the oldest of the group, and our main vocalist. Minho, you would be the main dancer of our group. Changbin, our group wouldn’t be complete without your powerful raps. Hyunjin, we need your stage charisma and dance skills. Jisung, the group wouldn’t be complete without all of 3RACHA. Yongbok, my Aussie buddy and needed rapper. Seungmin, your soothing vocals would complement Woojin hyung’s. Jeongin, you would complete the vocal line with your sweet voice. Is everyone in?”

Looking around the room, Minho noticed the tears streaming down the faces of multiple group members and the tears pooling in the rest. Even Chan Hyung was getting teary eyed at the realization that they’d finally be able to have their own group. Minho, however, didn’t cry, opting for a soft smile instead. 

As Chan repeated his question, a messy chorus of Yes’s echoed around the room, with Minho’s being the final one. 

He did it. He was there. He’d finally be able to call a group his own. 

________________

The journey to stardom was much more complicated than Minho had ever expected. He’d been more distraught in the months leading up to the show than he has ever been before. He’d been criticized, corrected, poked, prodded, to the point that he had dark circles under his eyes and eyes that would focus but a brain that wouldn’t process information. He'd never felt the world close in on him in such a way. He was trapped. All he could see and feel was the sweat running down his face and the concerned faces of his members.

"Hey, Minho hyung, take a break" 

The colors cleared and left the defining image of a sweaty Jisung. He wasn't the only one tired and he needs to stop acting like a wimp. With that thought, he meekly smiled back and pushed him away, mumbling soft "I'm fine"s. Jisung wasn't convinced and was about to push Minho back to the ground before the dance instructor called the break to an end and everyone got back to their places. 

________________

This was it, the time for Felix, Changbin, and him to perform “Glow”. It’s the big day, the elimination day, the day they were going to perform in front of JYP in their groups. They get into their places and the music starts. 

_Still going without rest. I to rest but I’m still far._

Felix’s clear, deep voice pierced the silence in the room. 

**I’ve been teaching him well** , Minho absentmindedly thinks, **but it still isn’t good enough. We, we aren’t good enough.**

 

_______________

JYP closes the door behind them. 

“I called you all into the practice room for one reason. I have worries. One of you will be eliminated in the show next week.”

A collective intake of air from the nine boys. 

“The ones at risk are Minho...”

Minho’s heart felt like a hand had gripped it, squeezing it, with the pain slowly going up his spinal chord as the days nearing the filming of the episode next week. 

________________

_The road we need to go on. Although we can’t see the end, we need to look for it. On our road, traveling without a map. A maze where we dislike turning back._

**The road is never ending. The maze forever winding. I can’t see the end of this road, of this idol pathway. I’m trapped in the maze of the industry. I spend countless hours in the practice room, countless hours watching myself in the mirrors, countless hours ridiculing every part of my body. Why can’t I get this move right? What’s wrong with me?**

The dance moves were so locked into his muscles that he wanted to puke every time he knew he had to do it again. He was sick of messing up. The lyrics were carved into his brain to the point that he was mumbling them in his sleep. He was sick of being criticized. The anxiety was gripping his heart to the point that every task required great effort and weighed down his soul. He was sick of the constant pain in his heart. 

_I’m only running forward. Lighting up the darkness inside._

**The darkness has consumed me, the only way I’m going is mindlessly forward, with all my efforts ending in the fact that JYP considers me accomplished in nothing.**

_Ding. Ding. Ding. What alarm is it this time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s time to wake up. We all need to get up. I think I only slept for a moment, really, only a moment. Looking in the mirror, I’m almost looking like a loser._

**That loser is the real me. The funny, charismatic, dance machine Minho is the lie. I’m actually really scared inside, to the point that it hurts to eat, to sleep, to do anything that isn’t practicing. I hope that with the end of the episode, the fiery anxiety that spreads through me consumes me.**

_We can’t get our heads up. My mind in this clear weather, is like the rain, having to look cool. No matter who sees it, it’s just cowards who are late._

**It’s me, I was late, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.**

_Everyone’s busy running. There must be someone to falls. Luckily, they’re on their knees. They’re only a little hurt. Hanging on, and going forward. It’s a foul to get sleepy. Sleep with your eyes half closed._

**I’m sorry. That mistake was my fault. I’m sorry. One of us will fall. They won’t be on their knees. We can’t lose anyone. It’s nine or none, nine or none. We need to pull through, even if I’m the one who falls, they need to go forward and let me be the burden, the one who sleeps. Please.**

_There’s practice today too, and it’s harder at night. My younger brothers feel sorry for me, but I feel strong. We wanna do my thing. But we do nothing right now. I warned you with my words. Let’s stop for a while, ey._

**Never, I can never stop until I’m as good as you all. You are all on a pedestal, with it growing underneath you from all the years of dedication. I’m only starting to build my own pedestal. Please let me feel strong.**

_I don’t know another road. For a long time, I have been running towards only one hopeful place. Wherever I’m going, I look at the night sky. I look at the bright stars. I shine, even though it’s dark. It looks just like us._

**Felix, Changbin, thank you. You were my bright stars leading up to this day.**

_Still going without rest. I need to rest but I’m still far. The road we need to go on. Although we can’t see the end, we need to look for it. On our road, traveling without a map. A maze where we dislike turning back. I’m only running forward. Lighting up the darkness inside._

**Thank you. I love you.**

The ending notes of the song plays as the stage lights shine on their faces, making their sweat glow. The space erupts with claps, quiet yet eager to burst with enthusiasm. 

_________________

When JYP had original requested Minho to take on a rapping part, his heart had dropped. He’d never done rap before. He didn’t have the flow that Changbin, Jisung, and Bangchan had, he didn’t have the talent, the skills, anything. 

But Changbin relentlessly assured him that he would be alright. Nobody could get in the way of Minho and his flawless rap. With that, Changbin promised to work with him on the lyrics, making sure he mimics the flow and swag of the three legendary rappers. Even when Changbin’s eyebags got deeper, his beanie pulled down lower, and his cheeks sunken, he never failed to stay up late with Minho. 

As the days passed and even Jisung could see the exhaustion drawn over Changbin’s eyes like a mask, Jisung started sitting in on Changbin’s rap sessions. Jisung took over when Changbin clocked out, picking up right where Changbin left off. With the hard work of the two younger member of 3RACHA, Minho was finally able to muster half the swag and style of the rappers. 

On the day of filming episode four, Changbin and Jisung could sense Minho’s nervousness. Changbin pulled Minho aside to question him, wordlessly reassuring him by holding and pulling his hand. Minho stumbled over to Changbin’s shoulder, hiding himself behind the small rapper. 

As the members were lining up and getting ready to perform the song, Jisung whispered to Minho that his hands were shaking. Out of nervousness, Minho took Jisung’s hand in his own, swinging it slightly before letting it go. He didn’t know why he did that. He never did that, especially on camera, but the anxiety had gotten the better of him and the he felt as if he were looking at himself in third person, astrally projecting his soul into this body. 

When it came time for Minho to rap his line with Changbin, Jisung sensed his unease and discreetly grabbed his hand, long black sweater paws hiding the majority of both hands. With their hands interlocked, Jisung rapped out the beat of the rap, with Changbin assisting Minho by rapping with him. It was at that moment that Minho felt the love run his heart, loosening the grip that the fiery madness that spawned from the pain of waiting had on his heart. For the first time in weeks, he felt free. He didn’t feel weighed down, like the world was on his shoulders, yet he was crumbling into pieces. The sudden liberation of his soul, his free soul that allowed him to enjoy dancing and the life of an idol, triggered a warm sensation in his eyes, followed by a noticeable tear drop that was collecting in his tear ducts. He had to blink to hold the single tear back. 

He was not going to cry tonight. 

__________________

“The person’s name I next announce is going to be eliminated from the show...”

The silence was suffocating. It hurt to breath. The anxiety that had gripped his heart had come back tenfold, squeezing and tearing at the bits that were left. 

“Lee Minho” 

The pain ripped through his body. The pain was so intolerable that Minho smiled. His lips curled up to mask the pain. The mask worked, he felt free. He felt light. He felt dizzy. He felt ethereal. Ethereal that he was standing there, under the lights, his sweat dripping down his own face, giving him a shine on his cheeks. He couldn’t feel his body, the soreness from the sleepless nights dedicated to perfecting each move disappearing. His body acted on its own, shaking JYP’s hand as well as acknowledging him. 

As JYP left, the members came up to him one by one. Jisung was the first one Minho saw, the first one he felt. Jisung put his hand on Minho’s shoulder and Minho smiled widely, revealing his teeth. Minho’s arm automatically curled around Jisung’s waist, taking in the pained expression behind his grimace. Jisung didn’t look good with that ugly expression on his angelic face. He should never have to worry a day in his life with his face and the endless talent that flows out of that young boy. He needed to talk to Jisung but he quickly got surrounded by the rest of the members. 

The rest of the members approached at once, each with unreadable expressions and guilty steps. They circled around him, guilt welling up in his own throat. A knot formed, making him unable to talk. A sniffling Felix clinged onto his back while Seungmin embraced him from the front. Seungmin’s hugs were nice. He knew Changbin would kill him for making Felix cry like that. Unsure what to do, Minho’s hesitant arms wrapped around Seungmin. He never realized how nicely his arms fit around Seungmin.

This is what his inferiority did. He hurt the people who helped him the most. He wasn’t good enough, didn’t learn fast enough, couldn’t sing well enough. He wasn’t enough.

Unable to take these thoughts, Minho curled his lips up even more. If one were not given the context they would’ve thought that Minho was happy with the way his eyes crinkled and his smile looked natural. 

He noticed Woojin walking away, with his head bowed. He never noticed how small Woojin looked when his head was bowed, the confident aura that the eldest always carried gone, replaced with the fact that Woojin was indeed only in his early 20s. Even if older than the other members, he’d seen little outside of his own town and high school. Minho couldn’t stand how small his strong Hyung looked. 

Another one, another one he’d disappointed. 

Jeongin embraced him. Minho’s gummy smile was reflected by Jeongin’s own metal smile. Someone should tell Jeongin to smile more, his braces were beautiful in their own way, giving him a child innocence. 

Felix’s sobbing face came into view, along with his soft “don’t cry”. Without thinking, Minho out his tissue onto Felix’s face, mopping up his tear. Felix’s handsome face didn’t look good tear-stained. Changbin would really kill him if Felix ruined his face with all his tears. 

Bangchan took the chance and popped into the empty space as the other members dispersed to cry. 

Bangchan danced a little as he approached Minho, making Minho stretch his smile even more, yet his sadness was evident in his eyes. 

“Aigoo, why’d you get the lyrics wrong, really” 

Minho’s heart came plummeting back to the ground. Bangchan was right, this was his fault. The members are crying for something he had bestowed on himself. They didn’t mess up, he had. And now, he must own up to mistakes. 

“I think I’m crazy” 

The statement hadn’t even processed in his head before he uttered it. He watched as Chan Hyung took a deep sigh, obviously attempting to suppress his tears, to remain strong in front of the members. Chan Hyung was young too, only a year older than himself, yet he had seen so much. He had so much wisdom to share. But right now, Chan Hyung was only sad because the group that he had singlehandedly built was falling apart, not because he cared about Minho. He cared about the slogan, the nine or none, the fact that they had to find a way to maintain that slogan with Minho gone. Chan Hyung didn’t care about Minho. 

“as much as we practiced.”

Hyunjin’s words pierced his heart. Yes, as much as they practiced, he still wasn’t good enough. As much as they practiced, he still messed up. As much as he practiced, he still let the team down. He couldn’t take the guilt so he attempted to stay calm. 

“When we were rehearsing, I thought I was going to be okay.”

At that moment, Changbin had turned away, unable to look at his pathetic face, probably. Jisung peered at him with sympathetic eyes, eyes that held so much pain, so much maturity in situations like this. 

Chan hyung’s armed opened and Minho walked towards them, wobbling like a child that is walking towards a friendly stranger. 

“I’m sorry” 

“Why’re you sorry? I’m the one who’s sorry” 

At those words, Chan hyung’s arms tightened lovingly around Minho. At those words, Minho cried. For the first time since he was born. For the first time, he felt loved. He felt needed. Sure, his parents said they loved him, but he was more of a burden to them than a child. Sure, his fellow backup dancers said they loved him, but they only loved him when they needed to learn the dance faster. Sure, his members had professed their love for him multiple times, but he had never felt the sincerity. Yet, finally, he understood. All those little actions, Jisung wanting him to rest after practice, Seungmin waiting for him in their dorm, Changbin staying up to help his rap, Chan Hyung taking hours to learn a dance from him, Woojin sneaking up to their dorm at night to take him out for a walk along the Han River, Felix spending time learning Korean with him, Hyunjin and Jeongin ganging up to prank him when he was sad, that was love. Love didn’t have to be characterized by the moans and kisses on TV. Love didn’t have to be verbal “I love you”s or long hugs. Love was what people are willing to sacrifice for you, what they have done or are doing to make your future better, to make you happy. 

Minho was loved. He was loved by his members. They cried for him. They sacrificed their reputation on TV to express their love for him. They sacrificed their time in hopes of helping Minho make it. With that, the warm sensation came back, the knot in his throat came back. Yet this time, he let it all out because he was in the arms of Chan Hyung, the person who believed him enough to even put him in his group despite only a year of training. He sobbed, soundlessly, squeezing his eyes and letting the warm tears roll out. He hurt, his throat hurt, his body hurt, but most importantly, his heart hurt. 

**He’d finally been broken.  
He'd finally cried. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho redefines the song he was eliminated with and his perspective of the world changes with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same warnings apply so please don’t read if you are sensitive to the aforementioned topics! 
> 
> Sorry, this took a lot longer than I expected but please enjoy it :)
> 
> Also, I’m sorry if there are any inaccuracies or any typos of any sort. I based the lyrics part of the story on a fancam of Glow by 98 florencense. 
> 
> Also, stream Side Effectssssss

It’s January 27th, 2019, nearly a year after their debut day, more than a year after that fateful day, the day everything changed. 

After his elimination, he was forced to pack his belongings from his shared dorm with Seungmin into his own little dorm on the other side of the JYP building. He’d done all his moving alone, the other boys too busy with the show to help him move. He didn’t mind though, because the other boys were more important than him, he was loved but he didn’t belong. He never belonged, from failing multiple auditions to only making it as an insignificant background dancer for arguably the biggest group in Kpop history. This was the universe’s signal that he wasn’t right to become an idol. The universe had done everything in its power to stop him, yet for some reason, Minho was still trying. 

He left his suitcase in his tiny new dorm, unopened and a stranger to the room. The room was unoccupied as Minho couldn’t accept the fact that he had been separated from the dorms. His time at JYP was populated with those eight boys, his lives already intertwined with theirs. They were his family. His only family. He began sleeping in a tiny dance room on the opposite side of where the Stray Kids show was taking place. Despite his elimination, he couldn't bring himself to give up. Even if the universe was against him, he needed to debut. One day, even without his brothers. He had to stand on the same stage as them, even as in a different group, even if he were competing against them. 

The practice room that he would call home for the next month was small, with old hardwood floors, a dirtied mirror, and a tiny TV that would broadcast the Stray Kids show. The room was long ago abandoned as it used to be a private vocal room for early JYP artists that was changed into a practice room with the simple addition of mirrors. No artist ever visits the room, despite everyone knowing it was there. No trainee ever looked for him in the room, when they even cared to look. 

He spent his days practicing endlessly in the rooms, working on every movement, every glance, every footing of every dance he knew. He had to be perfect. He worked to improve his vocals, following vocal tutorials online, testing and retesting his vocal range, working on the rhythm of his rap. Even when his body ached, and throat was parched, he didn’t want to stop, didn’t want his head to be filled with the malicious thoughts. His only breaks came from the clearing of the static on the small television and the fuzzy broadcasts of Stray Kids. His tired face and sunken eyes are graced by a small smile from seeing his brothers. He was rooting for their success as OT8. 

His days passed endlessly, merging into one long day as he had no access to outside light with the blinds he pulled over the windows. He only slept when he was too exhausted to get up from the floor. He only ate when he couldn’t stand up without seeing stars. He only checked his phone when the notification bell was so loud and so frequent that he seemed to have a never ending ring in his ears, throwing off his balance. 

His only messages were from the members. Despite their fatigue from practicing day and night preparing for a JYP vs YG show, they still contacted him each night, asking him how he was doing, how he was feeling, what he ate. Each night, he replied with the same answers. 

_To Woojin hyung_ : I did go outside for a walk today. It reminded me of when we used to go for a walk. Let’s do that again :) 

_To Channie hyung_ : The new dorm is feeling great and I feel great today!

 _To Changbinnie_ : I worked on my rap today, I hope you can listen to it soon!

 _To Hyunjinnie_ : You danced so well today! Don’t forget to rest! I worked on my dance as well today. 

_To Jisungie_ : I did eat today, I hope you did too! 

_To Yongbokkie_ : Your Korean is improving so much! Let’s meet up sometime soon to test it out!

 _To Seungminnie_ : This new dorm does feel empty without you :( I’ll visit you soon!

 _To Jeonginnie_ : You’re growing more handsome each episode! I can’t wait to watch you debut!

He would feel his heart fill with love again from the cute emojis and words that they were texting back, strengthening his determination to be better, pulling him back to practicing, dispersing the thoughts that his practice was futureless. 

_______________

On December 7th 2017, Minho had woken up from another restless night with an unusual myriad of messages. 

Woojin hyung: Hey Minho, the staff told us that he needed you and he went to your dorm but you weren’t even unpacked yet :( please contact him soon!

Channie hyung: The kids aren’t awake yet but the other trainees said that they actually haven’t seen you for a couple of days. Wherever you are, please come back! You know we all love you.

JYP representative: We need to talk to you so can you please come up to the office at 10 AM? We will be waiting for you. 

Minho checked the clock. 

_8:34 AM_

He only had an hour and a half to get ready. He rushed back to his dorm peered at himself in the mirror of his bathroom. The bright, playful Minho was gone. It was replaced with this shell of a person.

He had been distraught after Felix’s elimination. The boy who he goofed around with, danced with, spoke Korean with, wasn’t going to debut. He was one of the ones who deserved to debut the most. He had so much excitement for Korea, the place he’d heard about so often in Australia, his ethnic origin. Minho knew that Felix had been devastated by the elimination, forcing him to realize that Korea was not the place to make his dream come true, that the road to success was endlessly bumpy. Minho had shed his own tears when Felix was eliminated, sharing the pain of his brothers on the screen, spiritually with them in this time of hardship because it was with them that he had learned **that it was ok to cry**. Minho wished he was there with them, comforting Felix, protecting Felix from the cruel world of kpop, but Minho was even weaker himself, not even able to last until Felix’s episode. From this thought, the need to improve made him itch all over. He had practiced until he couldn’t move his body from the heap of limbs he fell onto the floor in, eventually crying himself to sleep. 

Shaking the thoughts of last night from his mind, he splashed the ice cold water onto his face, washing off the traces of last night from his face. The unevenly swollen parts of his face, however, could not be cleansed. He knew he looked terrible but he continued, brushing his teeth and taking a quick shower, letting the warm water run down his aching muscles, an attempt to wash off the person he had been the past month. 

His clothes had not been changed since 2 weeks ago, his last time at his dorm. They were damp with sweat and smelly from the dried sweat. He changed into a simple polo shirt with a pair of nice jeans, both wrinkled from the month it’d been in the suitcase. With one last brush through his drying hair, he took a deep breath and headed towards JYP’s office. 

_____________

“So, we’d like you guys to rejoin the show in one last attempt to prove yourselves, by the fans’ requests.” 

Minho couldn’t believe his ears. He was getting a second chance to debut. After his humiliating elimination 5 episodes ago, he could redeem himself. 

Beside him, Felix peered at JYP in shock, unable to believe his words. They exchanged a look and Minho knew, he couldn’t mess up his last chance to debut with his brothers. 

_______________

The next few days, Minho had temporarily moved back into Seungmin’s dorm, suitcase resting on his bunk, unopened for the fear that he would be moving back into the other tiny dorm. He didn’t want to reexperience the pain of repacking his suitcase to leave his brothers. Instead, he had spent his nights in the practice room perfecting one skill or another. This time, however, he had his members by his side. 

The day of the performance, he was so nervous that his hands were trembling. He couldn’t help the bubble of fear in the back of his throat. He hadn’t performed, even interacted with anyone in a month. The mere 5 days of practice, support, and a normal eating schedule had filled the hole that leaving his members left in his heart. He only now realized how much he loved them, how much he’d missed them during the one month. With that thought in mind, he took a deep breath, stepped on stage and got into position. 

__________

“Congratulations, Stray Kids will debut as nine”

Minho’s heart stopped just as it did when it was announced that he was eliminated. His face automatically stretched into a smile, feeling as if his world had changed. He’d finally be able to make his parents proud. Ever since he had left home to join BigHit and since the day he realized that he hadn’t wanted to continue as a backup dancer, he had been looking forward to his debut day. Being a background dancer was indefinite to him, BigHit had no plans of forming another boy group at the time. His only chance of carrying out his dream before he was too old was to leave the company. When the JYP agent had scouted him, he was unbelievably excited because JYP revealed that he was aiming to form more groups in the upcoming year. He’d finally be able to be recognized.

However, fear still plagued him since he had auditioned for JYP before, if he hadn’t been able to pass the audition once, who was to say he could pass it a second time? He hadn’t worked on his vocals for years, he couldn’t even properly hum out a phrase. Who was to say he’d get accepted? 

By some miracle, he had. When it was announced that he was to go to JYP as a full time trainee, he was ecstatic. But as the days of training pursued, he couldn’t help but feel as if he were going towards a shapeless future, the same one that he had went towards in BigHit. It wasn’t until Chan Hyung had physically seeked out Minho to join his team that he first felt as if he belonged in JYP. His entire perspective of the world had changed from then on. He had a team, a group to brighten, a pack of dongsaengs to lead, a future to pursue. 

It wasn’t until he had been eliminated that he had been forced out of his dream. He had fallen through his cloud 9, he had fallen back to reality. It took years to debut in a group, what was he thinking? That his mere time as a backup dancer was going to be worth anything? That the fact that he had already tried out for JYP was a bonus? That the nights where he sacrificed practice for sleep wasn’t going to matter? He had fooled himself into thinking that he was out of danger, that he was the best dancer, the one that wouldn’t burden the group. He had hated himself despite the newfound love and support from the team.

His perspective of the world was drastically changed for a third time when he finally made his debut. He had finally found the stardom that he had yearned for, the permanent team that he had wanted, the love that he had sought. The fact that he could perform on a stage as both a singer and a dancer made his training all worth it, made the sleepless nights with stressed out members worth it, made the painful elimination show worth it. The date 180325 held an immense amount of meaning to him. It was the day he had finally joined his brothers, and he is finally at the place he wanted to be. 

He’d finally made it. 

___________

January 27th, 2019 was a regular day, albeit a fansign event. He had been decked out with cute cat ears and intricate signs with his name on it, standing next to Jisung, the boy who meant the world to him. The boy who was the first to hug him after his elimination and the first to hug him after it was declared that they would debut as nine. He had been there the whole way, holding his hand, letting him take his arm, staying up with him, offering to teach him. Minho and Jisung fit together like two peas in a pod, both fond of laughs and teasing their members. They loved their form of love, picking on each other while cuddling, hitting each other while calling each other cute. It was with Minho next to Jisung that the fans requested a live version of Glow. Minho held his breath as the first notes of that fateful song played, but this time with a different feel, a different aura, a different atmosphere. 

**We can rest but it’s still too early. We need to rest but it’s still so far away.**

_We only just made our debut, we can't slack, we can't get tired. The road to success is still lon, but it will be okay as long as we embark on it together._

**The path we must go on. Even though we can’t see the end, we must go to the end.**

_The end, the day we disband, the day we are no longer Stray Kids._

Just the thought of disbandment gives him shivers, but looking around at these wonderful people around him, he feels at ease because the years where they are Stray Kids are going to be the best years of his life. 

**On this path without a map. It’s a maze, don’t wanna look back. Only looking forward as we run. Shining through the darkness.**

_We are running towards our success, the day we can walk into a store with our songs playing, the day that one of our songs can win four, five, even six times in a row. We're getting there, we're getting there._

With that, Minho could feel Jisung and Jeongin looking at him and his heart welled up with love. Even though they were just looking at him, he felt as if someone were finally paying attention. When he had been a backup dancer, there had been no applause for them, no loving cheers, signs with their names, nothing. Despite the obvious reasons as to why they didn’t get any love, he felt empty without a permanent set of backup dancers, of friends. But now, he had everything he wanted, and he sang his part with ease. 

He made eye contact with Jisung and he knew, he was where he needed to be. 

**Deng deng deng. Why is an alarm ringing at this time. It’s time to get up, you need to get up. Feels like I just fell asleep, I just slept.**

_The month following my elimination was my break, and now it’s time to be better, to become a better Minho for my brothers. I need to be better for them. And honestly, I think I did it. I’m doing better, even the teachers have said that I’ve been better. I can do it. I can go the way._

**I looked in the mirror, I look like a mess. We couldn’t even dry our hair and left**

_I’m a mess but it’s ok because we are all a mess, we are all here together, falling together, standing up together._

As the song continues, Minho is ecstatic. The song that originally symbolized his failure, his hardships, and his shortcomings was getting redefined. He continued looking around at his members, all with bright smiles on their faces as they sang their part with pride. 

**It’s a nice day but we’re cool kids. Looking like we got rained on. Anyone can see we’re one family, all afraid of being late.**

_What matters now is that we are here together. Felix isn’t sobbing alone in a practice room trying to practice his pronunciation and his rap until his voice goes hoarse. Hyunjin isn’t practicing his own pronunciation until the pen in his mouth leaves angry marks. Chan Hyung, Changbin, and Jisung aren’t spending sleepless night after night in a dark recording studio working until all the sounds start blending together and their eyes close forcibly out of exhaustion. Woojin, Seungmin, and IN aren’t bundled together in a practice room, their voices exhausted from the strain put onto them each night, each morning their voices gone from endless practice. And me, Minho, I am not alone in the dance room with my battered body, sobbing quietly for no one to hear. We are together and we bleed together, cry together, dance together, fall sore together, we aren’t alone anymore._

**Everyone’s busy running, but one fell down. Thankfully, only a small cut on his knee.**

_We’ve bonded, the nine of us, one soul one mind, we are the next generation, the monster rookies. We won’t leave_ anyone _behind?_

**No problem in dancing, even if there is, hold it in  
If you’re sleepy, cheat a little, slightly close your eyes.**

With that, Jisung exchanged a look with him and laughed, recalling the time more than a year ago when Minho had messed up such an easy line. Minho himself laughed along, embarrassed yet grateful that it can now be seen as a happy memory rather than a painful memory. 

_Slightly close your eyes because we are here for you. We can help you, you can rest peacefully with all of us supporting you._

**Practice goes harder once night comes. The maknae is whining, it’s sad but we’re hitting him hard.**

_We have our down moments. We have times when we don’t want to practice, don’t want to sing, dance, rap, don’t want this idol life anymore. But we remember our goal of spreading our love of music and life to the world, beyond our circle, beyond Korea, and the nights suddenly seem shorter, more bearable, brighter, better._

**We wanna do my thing. Now the words, do nothing. Warns us and it stops us for a moment.**

_The words from the haters, the antis that should mean nothing to us indeed have the power to redefine our world. Especially for Chan hyung as he is the leader, an Aussie, and a member of 3RACHA. He takes the hate comments, both Korean and English ones to the heart to most. There have been countless times where Chan had been sobbing from a comment that he had read and, instead of giving up, resolved him to spend more hours at the studio working on the new song. We wish Chan would take care of himself and to let the haters know that their words can do nothing to us because we are nine. Nine or none._

**Don’t know any other way. Only looked at one place for a long time. So where do you want me to go?**

_So many of us have been eyeing the idol spot for so long. We’ve worked our butts off for so long. There is no other way, we can’t leave this idol life like the antis had hoped for. We are bound to this road. Please love us for who we are._

**Look at the night sky, look at the stars. It’s like us, shining brighter in the darkness.**

_We shine brighter as nine. Our hardships only band together to make us the best we can be. I’m not the only one with hardships. Chan hyung never comes home in hopes of working away the anxiety that came with losing two of his precious members. Woojin hyung spends nights alone in soundproof practice rooms only to sob over his cracked voice, strained from too many hours of practice. Changbin fusses over his own lyrics, night after night, desperation swelling in his heart, to make sure they don’t sound as pathetic as it is in his head. Hyunjin uses his downtime to practice his pronunciation until he uses his pencil to claw eraser marks all over the floor in frustration. Jisung locks himself for hours inside a desolated practice to work on his raps and high notes until he nearly has a panic attack from listening to his voice in the morning (because he hates how it sounds). Felix watches hours and hours of Korean education videos until he wakes up in cold sweat screaming the new phrases he learned the day before. Seungmin and IN work on their dancing until the sun rises the next morning, with the consequence being that they are unable to even get up from bed the next morning. They all had their struggles, I had soon realized. They didn’t go away with even our support, but we all got stronger through each other. We are better together, like how the stars are brighter when they light up the night sky in silver dots._

**Going to work in the morning, coming back the next morning. After two or three hours of sleep with the hyung behind me. I go to work.**

_We get little to no time to rest from the cameras, the constant photography, the constant makeup. The exhaustion on everyone’s faces and in everyone’s bodies are expressed with nothing but joy. We love this, this is what we’d hoped for. This is what I danced for, what Felix moved to Korea for, what Chan hyung stayed at JYP for, what Jisung dropped his life in Malaysia for._

**Even if the fluttering feeling. Of my first day disappeared. My passion still overflows, hope it reaches you through this rap.**

_Despite all these negative feelings, it is incredibly exciting each time the members are able to have any sort of fun. We have had been deprived of a normal childhood for this idol life, especially the younger members, so each time we get to interact and just be the immature young adults we are, we feel so free. We are connected by our passion, not our desire for money, for fame, for greed. We want to share our passion for our respective trades with the world, to create music suitable for all ages and all people. Even if the adrenaline of debut days have passed, replaced by exhaustion, the passion and curiosity for unique music is left._

**Everyone’s still busy running. But one fell down.**

_In our case, two fell down, but the seven others helped us back up._ `

 **Now instead of a small scar, emptiness remains. Days of silence flow. And then we all practice again.**

_That is where we bond the most, where we cried the most, where we hurt the most, but also where we grew together the most. Our own emptiness was filled through sweat, tears, but most importantly, the love in our heart._

**What will be the result of our practice? Asking this to ourselves in the studio mirror every day.**

_We were so wary of our future, of the survival show, that we forgot to enjoy training period. But I would not trade the world to be anywhere but where we are right now. We practice and practice only for the fance, for people to love our music, and to be happy. We did it, and we are going to go further in the future._

**Like a test error, seems like there’s two answers. Top or the bottom, I don’t know where we’ll go.**

_It’s ok because with the way we are going, we are going to the top, we will make it, I know we will. We have the same energy that BTS had, the same energy that I had envied for most of my teenage life._

**So much pressure behind the word debut. I can’t handle this dream sometimes even though my future is dark.**

_That’s what I had thought before, that’s what we had all thought before._

While enjoying the beauty and flow of Hyunjin, Jisung, and Changbin’s raps, Minho goofed around with Jeongin, heart filled with emotions he couldn’t describe. He found around his little bunny backpack, making the kid laugh. He loved them, he loved all of them. 

**The lights in the studio shine brighter. The lights in my eyes turn on too. So I can find paths that weren’t there before?**

_Not only did they teach me the importance in believing in the future together, they also taught me to believe in myself, turning the lights of my eyes on. I’m worth it, I was supposed to be here, there was no mistake._

**Don’t know any other way. Only looked at one place for a long time. So where do you want me to go?**

_I was never meant to be in any other group other than Stray Kids. Even with the recent news that BigHit was debuting a new boy group, even with the prospect that I could’ve joined that boy group, I would’ve never fit in like I did at JYP._

**Look at the night sky, look at the stars. It’s like us, shining brighter in the darkness?**

After Jeongin’s verse, Minho took back the microphone, hands still up in the air for the chorus. He saw Jisung with his hands up too, enjoying the moment and the gentle lull of the youngest’s voice. 

_We, all nine of us, just clicked. I was the missing puzzle to their group of eight before. We are like the night sky, beautiful incomplete but perfect when each star is shining, complete._

**We can rest but it’s still too early. We need to rest but it’s still so far away. The path we must go on. Even though we can’t see the end, we must go to the end. On this path without a map. It’s a maze, don’t wanna look back.**

_We had done it, been through the ups and downs together, sticking by each other’s sides. Despite the lost mindsets of each member, we had gotten through it together, without losing a single member at the end._

He saw from the corner of his eye the beautiful curve of Jisung’s cheeks, heart instantly melting with joy from the younger boy. After hearing the boy’s soft hey, he couldn’t help by pour more emotion into his part. 

**Only looking forward as we run. Shining through the darkness**

_Our love for each other has made our passions shine brighter._

**Don’t know any other way, Imma get it. For a long time, gotta go. Only looked at one place for a long time. So where do you want me to go?Yeah, this is my last time, I won’t give up.**

_Changbin, Chan hyung, and Jisung bonded through their love of creating beautiful music. Felix, Hyunjin, and I were immensely passionate about our dancing while Seungmin, Woojin hyung, and Jeongin learned to love each other’s passion for singing. There would’ve been no other way for Stray Kids to be complete without this type of intense bond._

**Look at the night sky, Imma show it. Look at the bright stars, gotta glow. It’s like us, shining brighter in the darkness**

_We got this, we can do this. We won’t ever be alone to cry or suffer again._

As Woojin’s voice carried them softly to the end of the sad song, the boys softly cheered and clapped along with the fans who had accompanied them. 

Minho smiled, he was here, with his brothers, singing the song that once broke his heart into millions of pieces. The song was about the mundane routines of life that exhausted the nine boys. However, the end, the destination, would’ve been worth it. 

After his elimination, Minho had skipped every song that even began on the same few notes as “Glow”. He couldn’t stand listening to the song that caused his failure, the song that he had poured his heart and soul on the stage, only to be heavily criticized for his mistakes. This was the song that was the end and the beginning of everything, the end of his appearance on the, yet the beginning of a new life. From then on, he knew he was loved. Those nights, those hours that he spent cooped up in the tiny practice room, feeling as though he was neither loved nor cared for were gone. He now had his own practice room with his members, one that always held a few of them at once. He’d never have to suffer alone. 

The nights that each member would alternatingly spend sobbing in the bathroom would be spent in the living room instead, their worries and pent up anger spilled in hushed voices as they sat around in a circle. 

When the members had known about the way he’d spent the one month, the isolation that he forced upon himself, they had cuddled him, fondled over him for hours, assuring him that he was loved. From then on, they each shared their collective worries about their own voices, dance moves, and lyrics. The night, needless to say, ended with a group cuddle session, one that they fell asleep in until the first rays of the sun peeked in from the windows. 

Minho had learned so much from each member, that it was ok to eat past midnight, that it was ok to not feel proud of your own specialties all the time, that it was ok to voice crack on stage, that it was ok to be himself, that it was ok to confide in any member,

**That it was ok to cry.**


End file.
